Truth and Perception

So today was long, but it did not seep in how tired I was until I was walking home from work and suddenly I was thinking of the fact that I was really being honest with myself. As much as I wanted to stop and get a slice of pizza or go get some cookies from Heavenly ... ahhh. I kept walking. As I continued down the street I was thinking how easy it is to be deceptive. I am not thinking negatively, but I will be realistic.

Deception is real and people walk around everyday deceiving themselves and other people. So I decided to really examine what it means to be truthful. On this walk I will be honest with myself and know that if I do not stick to my detox, it is okay, that is life. This just happened to me last week; I had tons of internal conflict about someone that I was seeing regularly, because I did not want to give up my abstinence. But then... well, after all the holding back.. well you know, or do you?

But as I start this new quest, I really have to be truthful with myself about what is okay. I mean food is one thing but it is just merely a part of what I find is important to be truthful about. So if I slip and eat something I "said" that I am not supposed to its cool, that’s life... but does that same thing hold true if I fuck someone randomly or smoke some weed because I want to or smoke a clove. Would you trust me the way that you do if you knew that I say one thing and do another thing? I am going back and forth about this. It seems as though our society embraces deception, we see it all day everyday in the media. As I was walking down Franklin and I saw this dude rolling a blunt in the car and a homie on the corner doing God knows what, I knew that people are sneaky. But let me tell you that in this past year, I have been more honest then ever. I have been deceptive in the past, but I now know what some of the repercussions of that can be.

How are you being deceptive in your life? Do you know your truths?

One day, I was sitting with my home girl talking about goals... and she was talking to me about "the EGO" and that it should not drive us. " The ego sometimes prefers the gloss over the details and employs methods of the defense mechanism" this would explain why I feel so bad if I give up on something that I set for myself. Considering that the only person that I really have to answer to is God and OneSelf.

I am on a quest to find all of my truths and be okay with them. If I want to Fuck, I fuck. If I want to practice celibacy for a year, I do that. If I want to smoke weed, I do. If I don't, I don't. Just know thing that I have the power to choose and the mind to not abuse is good. So while I am fasting for these three days I will be in a constant state of meditation to find the truth for me and be okay with the fact that my truths arealways going to be changing. But in order for me to live fully I must be comfortable with my truths and not judge others or myself and speak, listen, look, and learn with love and honesty and the ability to connect the dots.